Sugar

I had a leader who used to tell me, You need to soften your tone. People will accept the message better. Put sugar on top and sugar on the bottom.

Sugar on top.

Sugar on the bottom.

Mess in the middle. 

At the time, it made sense. It sounded like emotional intelligence. Like care. Like strategy. And years later, I still think about it.Because now I notice it everywhere. I notice when people do it to me.I notice when I do it to others. I notice the pause after the compliment, when the air changes slightly. When the person receiving it braces just a little.

Waiting.

Not for the compliment to land. But for the correction they assume is coming next. What I have noticed is people aren’t receiving the coaching or correction any better because of the sugar. But they are learning to fear the compliment.

I remember telling a friend at work, That was great. Even though the presentation started slow, you hit it out of the park. It was the best I’ve ever seen you do.

She never got past the even though it started slow.

Not the growth.

Not the excellence.

Not the truth of how far she’d come.

Just the bruise in the middle.

Praise starts to feel like a warning sign. Once you’ve experienced enough compliment sandwiches, you stop hearing praise as praise. You hear it as a preamble. This is great work…Your brain doesn’t celebrate. It scans ahead.

You have learned there’s probably a but coming. Or a next time. Or a one thing to consider. So instead of building confidence, it builds anticipation. Not the good kind. The protective kind. It quietly erodes trust in appreciation

I feel like this  is an unintended consequence.

When compliments are consistently paired with correction, people stop trusting compliments entirely. Their brains start asking all the questions 

Do they mean this?

Where is the real message? Over time, appreciation loses its weight.It feels procedural. Predictable. Hollow. Not because the words aren’t true. But because they’ve rarely been allowed to stand on their own.

And humans are perceptive. We can feel the difference between recognition and positioning. The coaching itself doesn’t land any better This is the part that surprised me most. The sugar doesn’t actually improve how people receive the feedback. It just changes what they focus on emotionally.

Instead of hearing the coaching clearly, part of their energy is spent reconciling the contrast.

Was I doing great?

Or was I falling short?

Which part was the truth?

The message becomes blurred by the packaging.

And clarity the one thing feedback is supposed to provide gets lost.

Not because the feedback was wrong. But because it was wrapped in emotional mixed signals. It teaches people to brace for impact. When appreciation is consistently followed by correction, people adapt.

They stop relaxing into praise. They deflect it. Downplay it. Distrust it.

Or worse, they emotionally armor themselves the moment they hear something positive. Not because they’re fragile. The strongest people I know do this. Because they’ve been trained to expect the swing after the smile. You can’t build grounded confidence in an environment where appreciation feels like a precursor to disappointment. Confidence needs clean reinforcement. Not reinforcement with terms and conditions.

Sometimes a compliment should just be a compliment

No strategy.

No cushioning.

No hidden agenda.

Just, That was excellent.

And let it end there. Let the person absorb it without wondering what’s coming next. Let their nervous system register safety, not suspense. Not every moment of recognition needs to be converted into a teaching moment. Sometimes recognition is the teaching moment. It tells people, This. Right here. Keep doing this. That kind of clarity is powerful.

Feedback doesn’t need sugar. It needs respect. Direct feedback, delivered with respect, is not cruel. It’s clear. Clarity removes the emotional guessing. It allows people to focus on growth instead of interpretation. This was strong. Tightening the opening would make it even stronger.

Clean. Honest. Usable.

Not padded. Not disguised. Just useful.

And usefulness is what makes feedback valuable not how sweetly it was delivered.

Maybe it’s time to retire the sandwich. Not because the intention behind it was wrong. But because the impact isn’t what we thought. The sugar didn’t make feedback easier to receive. It just made compliments harder to trust. And appreciation should never feel like a warning sign. People deserve recognition they don’t have to question.

People deserve feedback they don’t have to decode.

People deserve communication that isn’t layered in emotional camouflage. Because trust isn’t built on sugar.

It’s built on truth you don’t have to brace yourself for.